Some months ago, I created my space. The writing room. I obsessed over the details, the cushions, the footstool, the light box and the candles. I got it just right. I felt comfortable and relaxed in my little space. Then………………….. I promptly forgot about it!!!
Why, you say?
Well, that is the million dollar question. I thought it was because I didn’t have time. There have been a few weeks where the usual routine has been disrupted and it all fell off the wagon. There simply was no time for me to be selfish and sit in a room alone with no particular goal in mind, just to write.
Today, here I sit. In my lovely room. The door is open, the breeze is flowing, the birds are chirping. I have Coffee, a cinnamon scroll and a computer. I have time.
And yet …………………………….. the mind is BLANK.
I still find myself fighting with myself. What exactly am I wanting to do, to achieve? Do I have to achieve anything? Is this the real reason I have not found the time to be here? Do I actually have nothing to say??!! Am I scared?
The last 10 months have been some of the hardest in my 40 years. I have fallen down, got back up, taken on too much, cut it back, fallen down again. I have laughed, cried, shouted and whispered. I have worked, I have relaxed. I have enjoyed the best holiday ever. I have pushed myself, I have gone easy on myself. I have been criticised, I have been applauded.
Yet, still I don’t know where I am going.
But, really …………. do I have to be ‘going’ anywhere?
I think I might just sit here and see what happens. If nothing happens, I doesn’t matter. I haven’t lost anything. I guess I just need to stop evaluating myself based on achievements. Ticks in the boxes. Most of the time no one else is paying attention to the boxes!